They say “be the bigger person, don’t let it get to you,” I must’ve heard that in response to my dilemma at least 5 times today, probably 5000 times in my life, until I asked for an unbiased opinion.
The unbiased opinion was this…
ANYONE WHO HAS BEEN A VICTIM OF ANY FORM OF SEXUAL ASSAULT SHOULD NEVER FEEL THEY HAVE TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS THE PERPETRATOR JUST BECAUSE HE’S CONSIDERED FAMILY!!!
NEWSFLASH! 90% of sexual assaults occur with a relative or close relation to the family. Sexual predators are successful at their game because they earn your trust. They pull you in. The really sick ones don’t just hit it and run, they create elaborate games and mazes in order for you to lose all sense of reason and question your own existence. You begin to Contemplate suicide, or like me you even try it, and think you’re truly crazy.
Until you’re told they’re the fucked up ones and you’re just a victim….
They say that word with such distain, like we’re weak because we were prey to a predator.
Well you tell me this. I may have been prey, I may have been a victim, and I may have scars inside and out.
BUT DO YOU NOT FEAR SOMEONE WITH SCARS? Cause you should. We are frightening. We have known pain beyond your imagination and have known the prison our own mind and even our own bodies (FREEZE MODE! 3 stages of fear, FIGHT, FLIGHT, FREEZE!)
You sit there and say “get over it” but that’s because it didn’t happen to you. You don’t know and you never can. And I never want you to. I pray you never do. I pray you never feel the worthlessness that victims of sexual abuse feel. That we are broken, damaged goods, no longer pure by no choice of our own….
I understand that some people are bound to uphold family honour…. But doing that almost cost me my sanity and a most recently a kidney (assault circa 2009 kicked in the back and almost lost my left kidney, in fact, still compromised…)
So from now on I will continue to support those who support me, be it in spirit, in word, or in action.
I am the bigger person by not allowing these hyenas a cheap shot at me, I will not use the guise of family honour to hide behind, it didn’t save me then and it won’t save me now. No where is safe, the sooner you come to terms with that the less you will become a victim.
So well spoken. It is true that others who have not experienced it don’t get it. Especially if they are younger sisters or cousins who were never subject to his nightly visits. I lived under the same roof as him until I was 5 and I remember well not only the abuse or my suicide attempt at 15 but the overwhelming sense of responsibility I felt to watch over all the young girls in the family. I also had to keep my dark secret…if I told my grandparents who considered him as a son, it would break their hearts (my belief was I would break their hearts. If I told my stepfather he would probably try to kill him and would end up in jail…again my fault.
Curious thing is my mothers reaction when I told her in my 20’s…not shock or anger. No hugs or tears..just a simple “I didn’t know”. I have no memory of her until grade 5. I think I did tell her when it was happening,and I wonder; how could no one notice if they were dressing or bathing me?
Yes, we do need to speak out so that others will look to see if their children are at risk, listen when they talk and protect them. We need to talk as well so that those who doubt and minimize our trauma will begin to see how strong we truly are just to have survived.
Thank you Cat so much sharing. As I tell everyone who shares I’m so sorry that you know this pain but am comforted in knowing we’re not alone. Thank you, and I understand the mother side. Mine didn’t take it as expected either. Make sure to share this among other young women as they may also feel alone xoxoxox thank you, and always know you are #notalone #sistersunite #togetherwearestrong