I have had a constant, lingering fear of death since I was around 14. Like I could feel it everywhere, it seemed to follow me wherever I went. The amount of close calls I have had is alarming. I’ve:
-fallen out of the top of a tree and landed on a rock, (my brother was certain I would die,)
– been hit by a car while walking and flew 8ft or so in the air and landed on my pelvis.
– hit a snow plough head on going 120k/hr (no seatbelt) in my tiny car.
– overdosed twice
– had a Rottweiler tear off my lower half of my face.
– been shot at at work (in a bar)
… That pretty much sums it up…
But it’s not the point, we’ve now had 5 deaths in my family in the last 15yrs and none of them were due to old age. I’m certain we have a curse and I’m certain it wants me. I just don’t know when it’s my time, and I pray it’s not anytime soon as I’m no where near done with life.
It’s just I can never shake this feeling that I’m not going to grow old. That I have to act fast cause time’s running out. I can’t see myself as a grandmother, sometimes I can’t even see me as a mother, even though I want to be, more than anything, one day. It frightens me to death to admit this, but if I don’t and it happens no one will ever know what I felt.
Call me crazy, call me whatever you want, but sometimes I’m so afraid of life out there sometimes I just don’t want to take part….
I hate PTSD…
You’ve gone through a lot.
I hope your writing helps others who may not feel valued and they still get to see beauty in life because of the gorgious pictures you include.